I believe that the fact that I don’t talk about things is the reason this patch has been so rough for me. I was using Twitter as a release for some things … but that’s not the right outlet. I’m surprised I still have as many followers as I do. But then again, they probably don’t pay attention to my ramblings anyways.

I’ve decided that I need to get things out somehow. So that is what this blog post is for. I’m warning you now … if you really don’t give a damn, then stop reading now. If you’re curious, then click on the link to keep reading the rest of this post (if you’re on the main page that is). Sure, I could have made this post private or password protected, but I’ve decided not to do that. Who knows … I may come to regret that, but I can always change things later if I want to. So … here’s your last warning. What comes next is going to be me uncorking that damn bottle … well, not fully but at least a little.

Where to start, where to start? That is the question. LOL I guess I’ll start with that big ol’ elephant over in the corner … I have no job. That is my biggest source of angst at the moment. I know it’s not because of anything that I did. It’s the damn economy. The company I used to work for sells aftermarket accessories for trucks and cars (mainly trucks). When the sales of trucks went down, so did their sales. So they had to cut the budget somewhere. I guess I was one of those cuts. I have no idea if any others were laid off at the same time or not, but that really isn’t relevant I guess.

That was back in October of last year. I did have a contract job that lasted for 4 months, but that was only 4 months. I’ve been unemployed (yet again) for almost a month now (the contract ended at the end of March). There has been one opportunity that I’ve been pursuing since just before my contract ended. I had an interview for it last week. Apparently they felt that the interview went well, but I won’t hear any more until early next week since the head of the department is in a conference in Alaska. I found another position at the end of last week and applied for that. It doesn’t close until May 6th, so it will be a while before I hear back on that one as well. So, here I sit in my apartment driving myself completely nuts. LOL

I have a theory about why this stint of unemployment is hitting me so damn hard. Before I was laid off back in October, I had been saving up to buy a house. Since I would be a first time homeowner, I could get away without having a down payment, so I was just saving up for the closing costs. Based on my calculations and the amount that I was putting into my savings accounts, I figured that I would have enough to start house hunting by the end of THIS summer. I was so stoked about that fact … you have no idea. I am so sick of living in an apartment … especially now that I have a downstairs neighbor who doesn’t understand what a “respectable volume” is for listening to his music (don’t get me started on that). It’s more than just being sick of living in an apartment though. I mean, I’m 33 years old. I was making a decent living. I don’t have much debt (just a student loan, but that’s a “good” debt, if there is such a thing), and I have really good credit. Owning a house would be a good investment … even though the economy is in the toilet. I felt that it was time for me to head in that direction. Losing my job and not knowing where or when I’ll be working again sure put the kibosh on that dream. So much for being in a house of my own by the holidays. And that just breaks my heart.

I know that eventually (hopefully sooner rather than later) I will be working again. And eventually I will be able to get back on my plan toward home ownership. But what I don’t know is where the hell that will be. I’ve said it before on here, I want to stay in the Fargo/Moorhead/West Fargo area. My family is within driving distance, and my friends are here. But there just aren’t very many web programmer job openings around here, at least not ones that don’t require .NET or something along those lines. The job that I interviewed for would be perfect for me. It’s doing a lot of the same things I was doing on the contract job. But it also involved working with php … which I feel is my strong point (and I enjoy coding in it). So I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it will work out. I do have one concern about the position. The company has multiple offices, and the other web devs are all in Duluth. So I would be the only one in the Fargo office. I’m worried that the company would rather have all of the web devs in the same location, and I really don’t want to move to Duluth. But if they felt that the interview went well, maybe they wouldn’t mind having a single web dev in the Fargo office. I guess only time will tell on that front.

If this opportunity doesn’t pan out and if I don’t hear from the other one I applied for by the middle of May, then I’m really gonna have to take a hard look at moving. I can’t wait forever for something to show its head around here. I don’t want to use all of the money that I’ve saved for a house to pay bills while I’m waiting to be employed again. I’ve been lucky so far. I’ve had enough in my checking account to pay bills, so I haven’t had to take any money from my savings accounts. But that’s only because I haven’t been putting the extra into savings like I had wanted to do. I should be able to pay rent for the next 2 months before I have to dig into savings.

Wow. I sure did ramble on about that, didn’t I? LOL Time to change the subject. Another big thing that I’ve been wrestling with is my weight. At the beginning of the year, I decided to change some things about myself. One of them was my exercise routine and nutritional plan … to actually have them. LOL I was doing good too. I lost about 10lbs in January. Then I started slacking off and eventually completely stopped my plan. I haven’t exercised in a while, and I’ve gone back to my poor eating habits. I haven’t gained all of that weight back, but I have gained back about half of it. And I’m really not happy about that. I know that I need to lose weight and eat better, but with the mood I’ve been in, I just haven’t given a damn. It doesn’t help that I’m an “emotional eater”. If I’m bored or stressed or lonely or pissed or whatever, I tend to eat. And my choices are not good. Whether it’s chips or Snickers ice cream cones or half a (frozen) pizza at a meal, I’ve been eating whatever the hell I can get my hands on. I might eat healthy snacks if I had them in my apartment, but the healthy food tends to be on the expensive side, and I’m trying not to spend more money than I need to. That makes trips to the grocery store a bad experience. I tend to leave the store either exasperated or pissy.

I need to get back on track. Since I have some time on my hands, I need to get back into my exercise routine and start eating better. I need to plan out my meals so that I have a good shopping list rather than just finding things in the store ad and picking up whatever looks interesting and isn’t all that expensive. I have my Walk Away the Pounds DVDs and my elliptical machine. The weather is starting to get nicer out (even though it’s been wet the past few days), so I need to consider taking walks outside (weather permitting).

I think this post is getting a bit long, so I think it’s time I ended it. Did it help to spew all of this? I’ll let you know. I do know that I need to stop bottling things up. If I don’t stop, that bottle is gonna explode on my one day … and that won’t be a pretty sight. I still have a lot of issues that I didn’t include in this post, so there’s plenty left in that damn bottle. It’s not like I don’t have someone to talk to. I know that Robin would listen if I need to talk. I tend to not bother her because she has her own things that she’s dealing with. But I know that she would smack me around if she felt that I wasn’t talking to her because I didn’t want to bother her with it. LOL I better make sure I stand more than an arm’s length away from her the next time I see her (after she reads this).

I got a call this morning from a local employment/consulting agency that I’ve been working with. She told me a while back that a company she works with might be opening a position at some point. After the initial conversation, she found out that the company was going to put off hiring someone until next year. However, she found out yesterday that that same company is opening up a contract position. It’s a contract position because it’s only temporary … covering a maternity leave for someone. She mentioned either 3 or 6 months, but I’m thinking it will probably be closer to 3 since it’s a maternity leave coverage. There IS a possibility that the position could end up being permanent. It just depends on how much work the company has at the end of the contract period and if they have the approval to hire another full time developer. But it would allow me to stay here and continue looking for something permanent here. And who knows, maybe the economy will improve early next year and other companies in the area will have positions.

I know that there’s no guarantee that I’ll even get this position, but at least there’s SOMETHING out there. There’s a possibility for something. And this one is more in line with what I’ve done in the past rather than a new coding language. Looking at the job description, I’m confident that I’d be fine in the position. There are some aspects that I haven’t worked with before (such as section 508 compliance), but I’m also confident that I can pick that stuff up fairly quickly. I just need to be exposed to it. My interview for the position is on Monday afternoon. Hopefully I won’t be nervous during it … I haven’t been in my other interviews.

And if this opportunity doesn’t pan out, there’s still that one in Moorhead. But I can’t wait forever for something to pan out. And I can’t leave my former co-worker hanging. I know that they want to fill their position as soon as possible. I need to email him today and let him know that there is going to be a delay in my applying for it. I hope they understand. And if not, I’ll just have to keep looking elsewhere if nothing works out around here.

But at least there is something … something to keep me from falling off the deep end.

Before this all happened, I felt like I had all my ducks in a row. I was doing good financially, for the first time in my life really. I actually was able to put money into savings rather than live from paycheck to paycheck. I was working on saving up enough money to cover closing costs so I could buy a house. My plan was to start house hunting at the end of the summer next year. I was well on my way to achieving this goal. But those darn ducks just wouldn’t stay in that row.

Now I am in a place of uncertainty. I don’t know when I’ll find another job. It’s kinda slim pickings around the area. I’m not finding anything new being listed. But even if I find something in some other town, I’m not home free. I have to give 60 days notice before I can move out of my apartment. And I’m not gonna give notice now because I’m still holding out hope that at least one of the opportunities I’ve already followed pans out or that something new shows up soon. But I can’t wait forever.

So, here I sit … in a state of suspended animation. On hold. I can’t make plans because I don’t know where I’ll be and when. This sucks!

My original plan was to start looking for a house around the end of next summer. If I followed my savings plan (which I was doing), I’d have enough for a down payment by then. And since I’d be a first time home buyer, I could get by without a down payment. That might not be the case is some parts of the country, but the housing market hasn’t fallen as much around here as other parts of the country. So I think that would still have been the case for me.

Now, my plan is just pushed back some. I have 2 interviews this week (one Monday and one Tuesday). Maybe one of them will be the right one for me, and I’ll be offered the position. I’m also waiting to hear back on a couple other positions that I submitted my resume to.

My best case scenario would be that my plans are only pushed back one month. That is, assuming I would be paid fairly close to what I had been getting. I haven’t put any money into savings since I lost my job because I wanted to keep that money available for when I needed it. But I haven’t taken anything out of savings either.

So … I’m not going to let myself get down. My dream of being a home owner is not dead. I can still get a house. My time line is just shifted a little. I need to look to the positive. I just have more time to plan now. I need to keep telling myself that so I don’t fall down that pit of despair.