I close on the house next week Monday (on my birthday). I’ve been slowly packing up my apartment (slower than I’d like). As I’m packing, I’m trying to figure out what stuff I don’t want to take with me to the house. I’ve got a bunch of stuff that I need to get up on CraigsList.com and/or FreeCycle. There’s some stuff that I just need to toss. If I haven’t used it in forever, why take it with me and clutter up the house.

I decided today to finish packing up the stuff in my living room and kitchen that I don’t use on a daily basis. I have a couple file boxes in my closet that I was hoping were almost empty so I could put stuff from my desk and file cabinet in ‘em. One of the boxes has a bunch of Dale Earnhardt Jr stuff in it (magazines, calendars, etc). Those are not getting tossed.

The other box is FULL of books and notes and stuff from college … when I was studying to be a meteorologist. There are also some reports and manuals from when I worked on a weather modification project for 2 summers.

What am I doing these days? I’m a freakin’ web programmer. Why am I hanging on to this stuff?

For the longest time, I wanted to become a meteorologist. I was fascinated by the weather. I went to college to become a meteorologist. I was more interested in the research side than being on tv. I’m still fascinated by the weather. I just no longer have a desire to work in the field.

So why am I hanging on to this stuff? Seriously? It’s been in this box for years. I obviously forgot how much stuff was in the box. There are some things that I’d like to keep (like my reports/papers that were printed). But why in the hell am I hanging on to notes from college courses that I took over 10 years ago?

I think I just need to bite the bullet and toss this stuff. I hate to toss the books though. You don’t by chance know anyone who is going (or planning to go) to college to be a meteorologist, do you?

At the time, I was working for a company located on the north side of the Fargo airport. It was a company that had weather modification projects in various locations in the US and in other countries. The projects involved having airplanes fly around and in clouds and thunderstorms for rain enhancement and/or hail suppression.

I found out about what was going on on a Dale Earnhardt Jr message board. One of my co-workers brought in a small B&W tv, and we watched events unfold on that. Not a lot of work got done that day. They grounded all air traffic, so that put a halt on the projects that were currently in operation.

I don’t remember a whole lot more than that. I do remember it being a little surreal being at the airport and not hearing planes taking off or landing.

Like I said, this happened before we had social media. I can’t imagine what it would have been like if we had had Twitter and/or Facebook back then. These days when major events happen, you find out more information on Twitter than you do from the broadcast networks. In fact, in some cases, the networks are using information that they got from Twitter live on air. I’m watching the coverage from 2001 on MSNBC right now. They were scrambling for information to pass along. If this had happened in today’s time, there would have been pictures and tweets and more information than anyone could disseminate.

We most certainly live in a different time 10 years later. I haven’t flown since before this happened, but I’ve seen enough stories on the news to see how strict things have become. I definitely have no desire to get on an airplane now, but that is because of the security stuff that you have to go through. In all honesty, I’m glad there’s all that security stuff in place. Yes, it is a pain in the ass for those who have to fly, but I’d rather have to deal with it than have to worry about someone hijacking a plane and crashing it into another building.

And it’s not just air traffic woes. We’ve pretty much been at war overseas since this happened. The “war on terror” seems never ending.

I hope to never see anything like this happen ever again in my lifetime (or any time after that either).

I woke up this morning wishing I could do that in real life. I believe there are some of them who live in the same town as I do, but we never cross paths (which is probably a good thing). So I will most likely never have that opportunity.

But I still wish they knew how their juvenile actions back then still affect me to this day … and I graduated high school in 1994!

I remember getting picked on in the 2nd grade. My teacher, Ms. Schmidt, told me that “boys only tease girls they like”. If that were true, then I was the most popular girl that town had ever seen. They started the real bullying around 5th or 6th grade and some were still at it the day we graduated high school.

Since I will never get the chance to tell them off face to face, I thought I would write them a letter. I know that they’ll probably never even run across this blog, but there are things that I need to say, whether they see them or not.

If anyone reading this happens to know Kelly Visto, Joe Dobos, Zach Fluto, Matt Swanson, or anyone who went to school with them (older or younger), pass this link on to them. Oh yeah … I went there. I named names.

Dear Bullies …

I could call you jackasses or assholes or any number of other terms that I’ve thought of over the years, but when it comes right down to it … you’re bullies. You made my life a living hell throughout school. The things you said and did still haunt me to this day.

And you know what is really ironic … the trigger that started everything wasn’t even what you thought it was. You all thought that I shit my pants. Well guess what … that isn’t what happened. What really happened? I became a woman that day. And if you don’t know what I mean by that, then you’re even more stupid than I thought you were in high school. So that fun little song you made up back then was all for nothing. Then again, I’m sure you would have made up a different song for the situation and bullied me with that.

I got pretty damn good at ignoring you. But even though I was able to ignore your antics, it still affected me. I bottled up my feelings. I kept to myself. I stayed home. I never did anything that normal high school girls did. I did have some friends, but I never did anything with them outside of school. And that was all because of you … how you made me feel about myself … how you treated me.

Some of you eventually gave up the bullying. But others kept right on going until the day we graduated. I’m sure that at least one of you would have continued bullying me if you had the chance (and you know who you are).

Joe – I ran into you a few times when I first started going to Pistol Pete’s Saloon. We even spoke. You seemed surprised when I acted like such a bitch to you. I remember you saying something like “that was a long time ago”. Well, you know what? TIME DOESN’T HEAL ALL WOUNDS!!!

We graduated 17 years ago. That’s a long time. I’m sure you’ve completely forgotten about the things you said way back then. But I haven’t. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t.

You might have thought that they were only words. But words can hurt as much as punches … sometimes more.

Bruises heal. The marks go away. But the wounds from your words … they’re still raw and bleeding … even after 17 years.

Do you even realize that the things that you said way back then have shaped my life … and not in a good way. Does that make you proud? Does that make you feel like big strong men?

I don’t have a lot of friends, but the ones I have … I cherish them. It’s hard for me to make new friends. My social ineptitude can be traced back to you. You broke me down. You made me keep to myself. And because of that, I never learned how to be social.

You better hope that we never turn up at the same bar, because if I’ve got a few drinks in me, I might just tell you how I feel. And I can’t be sure that I’d stop with words. I’ve got a LOT of pent up emotions. I’d hate to be the person who uncorks that bottle.

Sincerely,
The girl you broke

Wow. That was harder to write than I thought it would be. Do you realize how hard it is to type through tears? I started this post this morning, before work. But I had to stop or else I would have been a blabbering mess all day at work.

As I re-read this tonite and finish it, I’m tempted to not hit the publish button. Maybe the act of writing this was enough therapy for me. But no. Why should I stay silent? Haven’t I been silent long enough?

I remember a family trip to Kasota, MN (in southern MN) … Mom, Dad, sister, Grandma, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I don’t remember exactly when this was, but it had to have been when I was in either 6th or 7th grade. We had a caravan headed down there. I don’t remember a lot about that trip other than the actual trip down there. I’m not sure where the weather started, but it was interesting for the majority of the trip. We stopped at a gas station or truck stop in Sauk Centre, and I remember pouring rain and lightning that seemed to almost hit us. It seemed like in every little town we went through, we heard the tornado sirens going off as we left town. We made another pit stop in Sleepy Eye, MN. I stayed in the car while everyone else went in. I heard them say on the radio that there was a tornado headed toward town. And sure enough, as we were leaving, we heard the sirens go off. It was like the storms were chasing us all the way there. We managed to stay ahead of the bad stuff, thankfully.

I think that was where my love of severe weather was born.

I went to college at the University of North Dakota (Go Sioux!!!) for meteorology. I was interested in the research side of things. I did work study (with my advisor). We were looking into the radar coverage in NW North Dakota, and how forecasting info might be affected if the Williston NWS office was closed. I looked at a lot of radar data.

Unfortunately, that was about as involved as I got while I was there. I did go to meetings of the student AMS (American Meteorological Society). Looking back now, I wish I had tried to get involved at RWIS (Regional Weather Information Center), which was right on campus. Maybe if I had, things would have turned out differently.

In the summer of ’97 (and again in ’98), I was an intern on a weather modification product in western ND. I really enjoyed that. We had our own radar on site, and we used it to guide airplanes around thunderstorms so they could seed it to either make it rain more or to lessen the size (and damage) of hail. I even got to go up in one of the planes once while they were on a mission. Some might think it’s crazy to fly a little 4-6 seater airplane around a thunderstorm, but I loved being in that plane. Yeah, we did get caught in a downdraft at one point and dropped like 500 ft in a matter of a few seconds … but I would have gone up again, if I could have.

I graduated with a BS in Meteorological Studies in ’98. I remember wanting to go to grad school at the University of Oklahoma. I honestly don’t remember what changed my mind.

I ended up getting a job with the company who ran that weather modification project. I worked there for 4½ years. But I was little more than a glorified office assistant. I was in charge of gathering the data from the various field projects, and putting reports together. But anyone could have done that. I did get to go to a project site in Oklahoma City for a week at one point. But, wouldn’t you know it (with my luck), there wasn’t a drop of rain the entire time I was there.

When I got laid off from that job at the end of 2003, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I looked into getting a weather related job, but with my lack of experience, I was all but screwed. I ended up getting a job as a web programmer in June 2004. And that other life was history.

I am still working as a web programmer. And don’t get me wrong … I love what I do (despite the tight deadlines as of late). But there is still a part of me that longs to be doing something related to the weather. When storms come around, I am taken back to that family trip to Kasota. Only this time, I want to be chasing the storms.

I found out early last week that Reed Timmer was going to be in Hillsboro to give a talk today. If you don’t know who Reed is, he’s a storm chaser. He’s on the show Storm Chasers on the Discovery Channel.

I almost didn’t go. I couldn’t find anyone who wanted to go with me, and I didn’t want to go by myself. But I knew (with my history) that if I didn’t go, I would never forgive myself. So … I sucked it up and went … by myself. And I’m glad I did.

Reed & Joel (one of his partners) were supposed to be coming. It turned out that Joel didn’t end up coming. It would have been nice to meet Joel too, but oh well. When Reed got there, they drove (he wasn’t the one driving though) the Dominator into the gym where the event was being held. Very cool. I didn’t have to go out in the cold to check the thing out.

I walked around the Dominator a little and took some pictures of it. There were too many people around it to get as close of a look as I wanted. Then I jumped in line to get my pic taken with Reed. I didn’t have anything for him to autograph, but I’d rather than a picture than a scribbled name on a piece of paper. I hate how I look, but at least I have proof that I met him.

Here are some of the pics I snapped. I didn’t take a whole lot of pics. My camera really didn’t like the lighting in the gym. I did take a few videos of Reed’s presentation. I probably won’t put ‘em up anywhere though.

During his presentation, he showed video clips from some of his chases. Some footage I had seen on the show, and some was raw footage that wasn’t on the show. Watching those video clips renewed my desire for the weather … for severe storms. I am so tired of winter … of all of this damn snow. I long for a good lightning show … for some house rattling crashes of thunder … to watch the storm clouds roll in.

Reed said that he has a feeling that they’ll be doing a lot of chasing in the northern plains this year, based on the fact that it is a La Niña year. You have no idea what I would give to go chasing with him … whether in the Dominator or not. To just go chasing at all. Obviously, I can’t go chasing by myself. I’d end up in the ditch because I’d be watching the weather rather than the road. And I don’t know anyone who would want to go chasing with me … and be the one driving. If I happen to see the Dominator driving through town, I just might find myself following them. But not too close. I don’t think my little Honda would survive a tornado.

An unforeseen side effect of going to the talk is that it made me question where I am today. I went to school for 4 years … spent around $10,000 to get a degree in meteorology. And I’m working as a web programmer (and I’ve never had a single class in the field).

It really is crazy how where you are isn’t where you thought you’d be. But even though I’m not a meteorologist like I thought I would be, the desire is still there. I still get excited when I hear thunder, when I smell rain. I didn’t fail. I just found something else that fit me better for a career. I didn’t lose the desire that I had back in junior high. It’s still there … in my heart.

I haven’t gone on a real vacation since I went to visit Melissa in Kansas in the summer of 2002. I drove down there (looooong drive in a car all by yourself). She was living on the base at Fort Leavenworth at the time. I had a blast hanging out with her (and all the cute military boys >:) ). I even got to see the racetrack in Kansas City. Yeah … it was from about a mile or so away (there were Truck and Indy races that weekend so we couldn’t get closer), but at least I saw it.

I haven’t gone anywhere since … not even around the tri-state area. I’ve had vacation time, but I end up just staying home and not really doing anything. I think I need to change that this year.

I only have 4 days of vacation to use this year (or until November when my work year resets). I would have had 5, but I used one the day after Thanksgiving. I’d probably see if I could take a day of unpaid leave so that I could be gone for a full week (as long as we don’t have any big projects due).

But first … I have to figure out where to go … what to do. I have no idea. I don’t want to do anything by myself ‘cuz that’s no fun. Maybe I could talk Robin into taking vacation the same time as me and we could go somewhere. But where?

I do REALLY want to go to a NASCAR race, but which one? And how early to I need to start planning? And would that really be fun for anyone but me? I’m sure my sister would want to go, but I’m not gonna pay her way.

Any suggestions on where I could go … either by myself or with a friend? I honestly have no clue where to go or what to do. I just want to get away somewhere, have fun, and forget about life for a while. I’ve got some money in savings I could use (even though it’s earmarked for buying a house). But I don’t want to spend a fortune on gas or airline tickets.

I’m hoping the blog will keep me motivated and keep me honest. I’m also hoping I might be able to help someone else on his/her own journey by posting links, tips, recipes, and anything else that I find helpful to me.

I’m also hoping that some of you (if there are any of you) might wander over and help keep me motivated. I need all the support I can get.

I resolve to be better to myself. To treat myself with the respect I deserve (stop beating myself up for every little thing) and do my damnedest to get healthy and be happy.

I have been my own worst enemy for years … beating myself up over the smallest things that I should have just let roll off my back. I bottle my feelings up … and I’m to the point where I feel like I’m gonna burst.

I just can’t do this anymore. I HAVE to make a change. Not “I want to” or “I really should” … I HAVE TO. If I don’t … well, I don’t like the road I’ve been headed down, and I don’t want to go any further on it.

One aspect of treating myself better is to lose weight. I am definitely overweight and have been for the past few years. So, this morning I set my alarm for 5am (and I only hit snooze once), dragged my ass out of bed, and got on my elliptical machine. I only lasted 15 minutes and went 0.86 miles, but it was a start. I need to keep getting up every morning and going for as long as I can. I also have a Walk Away the Pounds dvd set that I’ll eventually get back into. And back when I first bought my Wii, I bought the EA Sports Active game. I’ve never even put it in the machine. I really need to start using that too. And I’m considering getting a Wii Fit. Maybe if I spend the money for that, it’ll keep me motivated. I still have the money from selling my iPod Touch, and that will more than cover the cost of the Wii Fit.

I’m also eating breakfast this morning (vanilla yogurt w/ granola). I usually don’t. But I was up early enough today that I don’t feel ill trying to eat something (if I eat too soon after getting up in the morning, I feel ill).  I decided to hit up Subway for dinner since I don’t have much (that’s healthy) in my apt to take. I’ll be doing some grocery shopping tonite.

I’m also keeping track of things on the Lose It website. It’s actually an iPhone app. I used it on my iPod Touch a while back and really liked it. Unfortunately they don’t have an Android app, but I can enter things into their website. And the whole thing is FREE.

That gets me started on the health/fitness portion of my goal. The emotional health part … that’s gonna take a lot more work.

• see a NASCAR race in person
• meet Dale Earnhardt Jr
• meet Martin Truex Jr
• own my own house
• get married
• have kids
• visit Australia
• go to Houston, TX to meet the people I follow on Twitter who live there
• dip my toes in the ocean
• create some sort of web application that catches on all over the world
• fit into a pair of size 14 jeans again
• visit Nashville, TN
• go to a Lady Antebellum concert
• go to a Chris Daughtry concert
• go to a 3 Doors Down concert

Added Oct. 10, 2010 @ 8:37am

• see a tornado with my own eyes (not on tv or in pictures)
• go on a storm chaser vacation (whether I get to see a tornado or not)

It feels soooooo good to be working with php again. For the past year, (at the 2 contract jobs I had) I was working strictly with html and css, mainly html emails. While I don’t mind working with css, I enjoy working with php and sql so much more. And not only am I working with php again, I’m even learning a new framework, CodeIgniter. It’s what they use at work.

I had my first taste of it today when I started on a new project. I think I’ll pick it up pretty quickly. While I haven’t used a framework before, I have worked with a “layer” concept at a previous job. We had separate directories for database, presentation, and domain layers. CodeIgniter has model, view, and controller “layers”. What I really like about CodeIgniter is the fact that you can put together an array of data in the controller layer to send to the view layer, and in the view layer, you have variables that have the names of the keys from the array that was passed to it. Or at least as far as I can tell, that’s how it is.

I’ve even been in a good, upbeat mood the past couple days. I really noticed it today. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m out of my apartment or it’s because I’m back working (with something I really enjoy even) or it’s just things turning back around in my favor. I’m not going to analyze it, and I’m definitely not going to take it for granted (or at least I’m going to try my damnedest).

Hopefully this means I’ll have a good birthday this year (it’s next Saturday). Now I just need to figure out what I’m gonna do to celebrate it.

What have I been doing for the past couple months? I was working and looking for a job. Huh? Well, I was working a contract job. It was supposed to be a 3 month contract with the option to make it permanent. It ended up being a 4 month contract. They just didn’t have enough work to keep me on permanently. They wanted to keep me on (or at least that’s what I was told), but they just couldn’t.

I am still looking for a job. I do have an opportunity I’m waiting to hear back on. I’m hoping I hear back soon. I don’t know how long I can handle sitting around my apartment. I think I’m going to need to find a coffee shop to hang around in. But that could get expensive.

As I found out before I got the contract position, there aren’t all that many web developer/programmer job openings here in the Fargo/Moorhead area … at least not ones that don’t require .NET experience. But as long as I can find at least one opportunity here, I’m going to wait it out. I have money in my checking and (2) savings accounts that will last me a few months (at least). I just hope I don’t end up depleting those accounts. The savings accounts were for a house hunt I was hoping to start. But that is obviously on hold for the foreseeable future.

Why do I want to stay in the Fargo/Moorhead area? For starters, it’s something I’m familiar with. I’ve lived here since Oct. 1998, and I grew up about an hour south of here. But it’s not just that. My family is in this part of the state. Yeah, I don’t visit them as often as I probably should, but at least I have the option of going to see them and not having to plan a vacation to do so. My friends are here. I don’t have all that many friends, I’ll admit that. But the friends that I do have are true friends. I don’t know what I’d do without them. I don’t make friends very easily … being a shy introvert doesn’t help that fact.

I also want to stay here because of the people here. I mean come on … when you have volunteers make 3.5 million sandbags in around a week’s time (during a snow storm) to help save the community from flood waters (and WIN), whether they were directly affected by it or not … that’s a place I want to live. And that’s just one example.

I may bitch and moan about the cold weather during the winter, but that just gives me something to talk about. LOL When it comes down to what’s important, this place isn’t such a bad place to live. So I’m going to wait to hear back about my current opportunity and keep looking for others that may pop up. As long as I have the resources to wait, I’m going to. Family … friends … community. Those are things that make me want to stay here. It’s gonna take a pretty damn good opportunity to lure me away. I just hope the lack of opportunity here doesn’t force my hand.