Rough patch

I’m going through a rough patch in my life right now. Hell, who am I kidding? I’ve been going through a rough patch for a while now. And I haven’t been handling it very well … at least not mentally/emotionally. I tend to bottle things up rather than talk about them. I’ve been doing it for years. I don’t really know when it started or why. I’m inclined to believe it was back in high school because of the way that I was treated. But I’m not going to get into that. That is the past … 15 years ago to be exact (damn I’m old … LOL). I’ve left that behind me. But apparently part if it decided to follow me anyways.

I believe that the fact that I don’t talk about things is the reason this patch has been so rough for me. I was using Twitter as a release for some things … but that’s not the right outlet. I’m surprised I still have as many followers as I do. But then again, they probably don’t pay attention to my ramblings anyways.

I’ve decided that I need to get things out somehow. So that is what this blog post is for. I’m warning you now … if you really don’t give a damn, then stop reading now. If you’re curious, then click on the link to keep reading the rest of this post (if you’re on the main page that is). Sure, I could have made this post private or password protected, but I’ve decided not to do that. Who knows … I may come to regret that, but I can always change things later if I want to. So … here’s your last warning. What comes next is going to be me uncorking that damn bottle … well, not fully but at least a little. :biggrin:

Where to start, where to start? That is the question. LOL I guess I’ll start with that big ol’ elephant over in the corner … I have no job. That is my biggest source of angst at the moment. I know it’s not because of anything that I did. It’s the damn economy. The company I used to work for sells aftermarket accessories for trucks and cars (mainly trucks). When the sales of trucks went down, so did their sales. So they had to cut the budget somewhere. I guess I was one of those cuts. I have no idea if any others were laid off at the same time or not, but that really isn’t relevant I guess.

That was back in October of last year. I did have a contract job that lasted for 4 months, but that was only 4 months. I’ve been unemployed (yet again) for almost a month now (the contract ended at the end of March). There has been one opportunity that I’ve been pursuing since just before my contract ended. I had an interview for it last week. Apparently they felt that the interview went well, but I won’t hear any more until early next week since the head of the department is in a conference in Alaska. I found another position at the end of last week and applied for that. It doesn’t close until May 6th, so it will be a while before I hear back on that one as well. So, here I sit in my apartment driving myself completely nuts. LOL

I have a theory about why this stint of unemployment is hitting me so damn hard. Before I was laid off back in October, I had been saving up to buy a house. Since I would be a first time homeowner, I could get away without having a down payment, so I was just saving up for the closing costs. Based on my calculations and the amount that I was putting into my savings accounts, I figured that I would have enough to start house hunting by the end of THIS summer. I was so stoked about that fact … you have no idea. I am so sick of living in an apartment … especially now that I have a downstairs neighbor who doesn’t understand what a “respectable volume” is for listening to his music (don’t get me started on that). It’s more than just being sick of living in an apartment though. I mean, I’m 33 years old. I was making a decent living. I don’t have much debt (just a student loan, but that’s a “good” debt, if there is such a thing), and I have really good credit. Owning a house would be a good investment … even though the economy is in the toilet. I felt that it was time for me to head in that direction. Losing my job and not knowing where or when I’ll be working again sure put the kibosh on that dream. So much for being in a house of my own by the holidays. And that just breaks my heart.

I know that eventually (hopefully sooner rather than later) I will be working again. And eventually I will be able to get back on my plan toward home ownership. But what I don’t know is where the hell that will be. I’ve said it before on here, I want to stay in the Fargo/Moorhead/West Fargo area. My family is within driving distance, and my friends are here. But there just aren’t very many web programmer job openings around here, at least not ones that don’t require .NET or something along those lines. The job that I interviewed for would be perfect for me. It’s doing a lot of the same things I was doing on the contract job. But it also involved working with php … which I feel is my strong point (and I enjoy coding in it). So I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it will work out. :crossfingers: I do have one concern about the position. The company has multiple offices, and the other web devs are all in Duluth. So I would be the only one in the Fargo office. I’m worried that the company would rather have all of the web devs in the same location, and I really don’t want to move to Duluth. But if they felt that the interview went well, maybe they wouldn’t mind having a single web dev in the Fargo office. I guess only time will tell on that front.

If this opportunity doesn’t pan out and if I don’t hear from the other one I applied for by the middle of May, then I’m really gonna have to take a hard look at moving. I can’t wait forever for something to show its head around here. I don’t want to use all of the money that I’ve saved for a house to pay bills while I’m waiting to be employed again. I’ve been lucky so far. I’ve had enough in my checking account to pay bills, so I haven’t had to take any money from my savings accounts. But that’s only because I haven’t been putting the extra into savings like I had wanted to do. I should be able to pay rent for the next 2 months before I have to dig into savings.

Wow. I sure did ramble on about that, didn’t I? LOL Time to change the subject. Another big thing that I’ve been wrestling with is my weight. At the beginning of the year, I decided to change some things about myself. One of them was my exercise routine and nutritional plan … to actually have them. LOL I was doing good too. I lost about 10lbs in January. Then I started slacking off and eventually completely stopped my plan. I haven’t exercised in a while, and I’ve gone back to my poor eating habits. I haven’t gained all of that weight back, but I have gained back about half of it. And I’m really not happy about that. I know that I need to lose weight and eat better, but with the mood I’ve been in, I just haven’t given a damn. It doesn’t help that I’m an “emotional eater”. If I’m bored or stressed or lonely or pissed or whatever, I tend to eat. And my choices are not good. Whether it’s chips or Snickers ice cream cones or half a (frozen) pizza at a meal, I’ve been eating whatever the hell I can get my hands on. I might eat healthy snacks if I had them in my apartment, but the healthy food tends to be on the expensive side, and I’m trying not to spend more money than I need to. That makes trips to the grocery store a bad experience. I tend to leave the store either exasperated or pissy.

I need to get back on track. Since I have some time on my hands, I need to get back into my exercise routine and start eating better. I need to plan out my meals so that I have a good shopping list rather than just finding things in the store ad and picking up whatever looks interesting and isn’t all that expensive. I have my Walk Away the Pounds DVDs and my elliptical machine. The weather is starting to get nicer out (even though it’s been wet the past few days), so I need to consider taking walks outside (weather permitting).

I think this post is getting a bit long, so I think it’s time I ended it. Did it help to spew all of this? I’ll let you know. I do know that I need to stop bottling things up. If I don’t stop, that bottle is gonna explode on my one day … and that won’t be a pretty sight. I still have a lot of issues that I didn’t include in this post, so there’s plenty left in that damn bottle. It’s not like I don’t have someone to talk to. I know that Robin would listen if I need to talk. I tend to not bother her because she has her own things that she’s dealing with. But I know that she would smack me around if she felt that I wasn’t talking to her because I didn’t want to bother her with it. LOL I better make sure I stand more than an arm’s length away from her the next time I see her (after she reads this). 😉