I’ve heard that term floating around the web. I think I’m a poster child for it.
I hate being alone, but I don’t like going somewhere where I don’t know anyone. Or even if I do know people where I’m going, I usually feel out of place or that I don’t belong. I feel more comfortable on Twitter because it’s pretty much anonymous. Most of the people I interact with have never met me. I use a cartoon avatar rather than a picture of myself. So these people have no clue what I look like.
The ADDY awards banquet was Friday nite. The company I work for submitted a bunch of stuff, and they paid for my ticket, so I went. I’ve been looking forward to it. I knew that I’d see some people that I used to work with at a former job. And it was a chance to get out of my apartment. But once I got there, I felt like a fish out of water. I checked in at registration, dropped my coat off at the table, and high-tailed it for the bathroom. I considered hiding out in there for a while. I didn’t though. I went back out to the lobby and checked out the submissions that were on display. Then I plopped down on a couch to check Twitter and Facebook and try not to look as lost as I felt. I eventually found Cas (one of my co-workers that I interact w/ on a daily basis). But I felt like I was just following her around and being a pain. You have no idea how much I hate feeling like that. It’s silly, but I don’t know what to do to combat it. I did briefly talk to 2 former co-workers after the banquet, but not for very long. I just feel so damn socially awkward.
I don’t have a whole lot of friends. There’s really only one person that I hang out with on a regular basis (Robin). And that regular basis isn’t that regular. I don’t like talking on the phone (never have). So I usually text her when I wanna ask her something or just for no reason. If it’s something bigger I wanna say, I sometimes just send her a message on Facebook. We always have a good time when we hang out together, but there are times when I feel like I’m trying too hard … to fit in, to be interesting, to just have something to say. It shouldn’t be that hard. I consider her my best friend, but some times I just feel like I don’t wanna bother her by being around. Some times I feel like such an awful friend because of that.
So … most of the time, I just sit in my apartment alone.
Sometimes I think that if we had another country bar open around town, it would be better. I listen to all kinds of music, but mainly county music. When Pistol Pete’s was open, I felt at home there … like I belonged … at least at the original location. Now Pete’s isn’t even open any more. We don’t have any country bars (and don’t try to tell me that Cadillac Ranch is a country bar … that’s just a bar that plays country music and wishes it was a country bar). I have heard that someone is opening a country bar in the original Pistol Pete’s location. But I heard that over a year ago. I work in that area. They’ve been working on the building since before I started my current job. It looks ready to go on the outside (minus a sign). I think I’ve given up hope that they’ll ever open.
I used to go out more often when Pete’s was open. I miss the people I’d hang out with there (Mona & Allen). Now it seems like I only go out once every other month. When we do go out, that social awkwardness is there again … even when I’m with Robin. I wish I was more outgoing and could make friends easily like some people do. Instead, I just hide in the corner watching everyone else have fun. I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s fun. I guess that’s why I don’t go out very often any more.
Rather than going out and hanging with my few friends and maybe making new friends, I sit at home, pecking away on the keyboard sending random thoughts and bitches and nonsense to Twitter or Facebook. I have no idea why I even have any followers on Twitter with half of the crap that I send. Sometimes I use it as a form of therapy … to get feelings out to keep from exploding. Sometimes I use it just because I’m lonely and have no one else to talk to. How fucking sad is that.
I’m more active on “social media” than in real life. I hide in my apartment and interact with people I have never met (and probably never will). If that’s not anti-socially social, I don’t know what is.
I’m sorry this post makes no sense. I’m just rambling along using it as a form a therapy. I don’t know that it’s working tho. I’m glad there’s a race on today to distract me.