Reflections

I have a birthday coming up next week. I’ll be the big 3-8. 38? Thirty-eight?!? How the hell did I get to be 38?

I’ve been feeling a bit down since Monday … more so than usual. It has me reflecting on my life and where I am.

Yes … I am a home owner. I worked hard to be able to own a house. And I did it all on my own. But I’m ALONE in the house.

Yes … I do love being a web programmer. I love the challenges, and it’s awesome to see something that I built come to life on the internet. And I worked hard to get to the point that I’m at. I’ve been doing this since the middle of 2004 with no formal training. I’ve taught myself everything that I know. I’ve built a CMS package and turned that into a network of websites that take about 30 minutes or less to set up. I’ve built a mobile app (both Android and iPhone versions). So why do I feel like just a code monkey sitting in the corner banging on the keyboard?

I never thought I’d be famous or a millionaire by this time in my life. But I thought that I would at least have a family by now and not still be living paycheck to paycheck.

I wish I didn’t always focus on the negatives. I have some awesome friends. No, I don’t have a lot of friends. But I’d rather have a small handful of awesome friends that a ton of “friends“. And I’m close to family. When something goes wrong around the house or with the car, I can call and ask Dad for help. And when I have a cooking question, I can call and ask Mom.

But no matter what I try to do, I always end up back down the rabbit hole. Part of me keeps screaming that I need therapy, but I have no idea how much, if any, of that that my insurance would cover. I have a $50 co-pay for my prescription eye drops for crying out loud. So I turn to Twitter and Facebook instead. I know I should stop doing that, but …